The Pursuer / Withdrawer Dynamic in Relationships
As a couples therapist in Oakland and Berkeley, CA, the most common problem I see in couples is the Pursuer/Withdrawer (also known as the Pursuer/Distancer) dynamic.
The pursuer/withdrawer dynamic is a pattern that can create tension and misunderstanding between partners. This dynamic occurs when one partner, the pursuer, tends to seek more emotional closeness, communication, or connection, often pushing for discussions or resolutions. On the other hand, the withdrawer responds to this pressure by pulling away, avoiding conflict, or shutting down emotionally. This can lead to a cycle where the pursuer feels increasingly anxious and intensifies their efforts to connect, while the withdrawer feels overwhelmed and retreats further, creating a distance that neither partner truly desires.
“a person pairs up with their ostensible opposite from an attachment perspective, so one partner (the distancer) constantly seeks more space, while the other (the pursuer) constantly pursues more connection. As the distancer attempts to take physical or emotional space, the pursuer moves in closer to try to bridge the gap. The closer that the pursuer comes, the more the distancer pulls back, which then provokes the pursuer to move in even more. The pursuer never catches up, while the distancer never fully gets the breathing room they need.”
For example, consider a couple where one partner, Sarah, feels that they don't spend enough quality time together. She often brings up the need to talk about their relationship and plan more activities together. Her partner, Jill, on the other hand, feels that these conversations are too intense and that she's being criticized or pressured. To avoid conflict, Jill withdraws, spending more time at work or zoning out with hobbies. Sarah interprets her withdrawal as a lack of care or commitment, which heightens her anxiety, leading her to pursue Jill even more. This creates a cycle where both partners are stuck in roles they don't want to play, yet they don't know how to break free from the pattern.
“The pursuer fears that they will be abandoned, while the distancer fears being engulfed. In this dance, both partners are left frustrated and unable to get their needs met, often missing that this archetypal pattern has more to do with their inner self than their partner, who is just serving as a mirror reflecting back the parts of them that have been exiled and disowned”
You might be in the pursuer role if you…
Initiate conversations about the relationship frequently, often seeking reassurance or clarity.
Seek emotional closeness by expressing their feelings and encouraging their partner to do the same.
Push for resolution of conflicts quickly, often feeling uncomfortable with unresolved issues.
Ask for more time together, suggesting activities or outings to strengthen the bond.
Express frustration when their partner doesn't respond in the way they expect or hope for.
Check in frequently through texts or calls to maintain connection, sometimes feeling anxious when there's a delay in response.
Criticize or complain when they feel ignored or undervalued, as a way to draw attention to their needs.
Provide solutions or advice to problems, sometimes in a way that can come across as controlling.
Seek validation from their partner, often asking for reassurance about their partner’s love or commitment.
Feel anxious or angry when their partner is distant, often interpreting this distance as a sign of something wrong in the relationship.
Foundational need of pursuers: Safety and a secure relationship
Pursuers need to try to…
Back off—practice patience and timing, allowing space for the withdrawer to process emotions and respond at their own pace. Pursuers have to give space for withdrawers time to come to them.
Focus on self-regulation, managing anxiety or frustration before approaching the withdrawer, so the conversation starts from a calm place.
Use “I” statements to express feelings and needs without sounding accusatory or critical, which can reduce defensiveness. Pursuers need to turn down the criticism!
Respect boundaries by recognizing when the withdrawer needs space and allowing them time without pressure to immediately resolve issues.
Be mindful of non-verbal cues, paying attention to the withdrawer’s body language or mood, which might indicate they need more time before discussing.
Encourage open-ended dialogue by asking questions that invite sharing without demanding immediate answers or solutions. Withdrawers often need more time to identify and share their feelings.
Validate the withdrawer’s feelings and attempts for closeness, acknowledging their perspective and showing understanding rather than pushing for agreement or resolution.
Prioritize connection over resolution, focusing on small gestures of affection or appreciation to maintain closeness without needing to resolve every issue immediately.
Set aside specific times for discussions, ensuring that conversations don’t happen spontaneously at stressful moments, which can help the withdrawer feel more prepared and engaged.
Seek mutual goals and compromises, working together to find solutions that respect both partners’ needs and comfort levels.
You might be in the withdrawer role if you…
Avoid or delay difficult conversations, often preferring to wait until emotions have cooled.
Retreat from conflict, sometimes by leaving the room, staying silent, or changing the subject.
Suppress or hide emotions, keeping their feelings to themselves to avoid confrontation.
Spend time alone or engage in solitary activities like hobbies, work, or watching TV to create distance.
Minimize issues or downplay the significance of problems, hoping they will resolve on their own.
Feel overwhelmed by emotional demands, leading to shutting down or disengaging from the relationship.
Respond with short or non-committal answers in conversations, especially when emotions are high.
Physically withdraw, such as avoiding touch or maintaining physical distance during arguments.
Focus on tasks or responsibilities as a way to avoid dealing with emotional issues.
Express feelings of being pressured or criticized, often seeing the pursuer’s actions as intrusive or demanding.
Foundational need of withdrawers: Acceptance and approval
Withdrawers need to try to…
Share more—acknowledge and share emotions, even if it feels uncomfortable, to help the pursuer understand your perspective and feelings.
Practice active listening, giving full attention during conversations and reflecting back what you hear to show you’re engaged.
Set boundaries clearly and kindly, communicating when you need space or time to process, but also indicating when you’ll be ready to talk.
Initiate gestures of connection, such as a hug, a kind word, or suggesting a shared activity, to reassure the pursuer and start to correct the loop.
Challenge yourself to stay present during difficult conversations, resisting the urge to shut down or avoid the topic. Self-regulate to avoid shut downs, learn to tolerate feelings from others.
Express appreciation for the pursuer’s efforts to connect, which can help reduce their anxiety and improve communication.
Engage in self-reflection to understand your own triggers and fears, which can make it easier to communicate them to your partner.
Offer feedback constructively, sharing your thoughts or concerns calmly rather than retreating, which can help the pursuer feel heard.
Take steps towards vulnerability, gradually sharing more of your inner thoughts and feelings, which can build trust and intimacy.
Agree on a plan for conflict resolution, such as taking a break if needed, but committing to revisiting the issue after a set period, so that the pursuer knows you’re not avoiding the problem permanently.
It can feel counterintuitive and scary for pursuers—who feel they aren’t getting their needs met—to back off. For this to work, the withdrawer must be aware that the pursuer changing course is meant to give space for the withdrawer to meet their needs and work toward moving closer to the pursuer. Otherwise, the withdrawer might feel abandoned themself or not be aware of the pursuer’s needs. This is often complex and why it helps to have a therapist reflect the cycle and help the clients get their needs met.
Pursuing and withdrawing is often relate to anxious and avoidant attachment, but not necessarily. Further, the roles can switch depending on context. One might pursue sexually, but withdraw emotionally, for instance.
Understanding and addressing this dynamic is crucial for couples because it often hides deeper vulnerabilities and needs. By recognizing the roles they play in this cycle, couples can begin to communicate more effectively, fostering a healthier, more balanced relationship.
