Couples Therapy Homework: Building Tolerance
If you can’t even think about your partner’s inability to be on time without losing it, this exercise is crucial.
The window of tolerance refers to the range of emotional and physiological arousal levels within which a person can effectively function, remain calm, and respond adaptively to stress without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.
Expanding the window of tolerance is crucial for couples because it enables them to discuss difficult topics without becoming dysregulated or triggered. As a couples therapist in Oakland and Berkeley, CA, I notice that partners who have a broader window of tolerance, are more capable of managing stress, remaining calm, and staying emotionally connected, even when the conversation is challenging. This emotional regulation fosters a sense of safety and trust, allowing both individuals to express their thoughts and feelings openly without fear of escalation or conflict. In contrast, a narrow window of tolerance often leads to heightened emotional reactivity, where one or both partners may become overwhelmed, defensive, or shut down, making it difficult to communicate effectively. By expanding their window of tolerance, couples can better navigate tough conversations, resolve conflicts more constructively, and ultimately strengthen their relationship.
I adapted the below exercise from Resmaa Menakem’s My Grandmother’s Hands.
Building Tolerance Exercise:
This is a practice to increase your ability to stay within your window of tolerance while dealing with triggering material or engaging in conflict with partners, friends, and family.
Start with a calming exercise like box breathing, safe place, or anything else you have been practicing.
Now, think of something you find triggering about your partner. Examples can include, your partner giving you negative feedback, your partner showing up late, feeling ignored, etc.
As you hold this triggering image/thought/etc in mind. Make sure to use deep breathing. Notice changes in your body, your feelings, and your thoughts.
Start by doing this for a short period (for example, 1 minute) and slowly increase the length of this practice.
Now consider several things you appreciate about your partner.
Let go of the image/thought, ground yourself in the present (use 5-4-3-2-1 grounding), and return to your calming exercise.
If you are feeling overwhelmed, use the container exercise.
After practicing this, you may be ready to dive in deeper. Check out this post on how to use AI to practice healthy conflict and communication.
