Couples Therapy Homework: Rehearsing Healthy Conflict and Communication
Rehearsing Healthy Conflict and Communication with a Little Help from Your Nervous System (and ChatGPT!)
Relationship conflicts happen. And sometimes, instead of diving into healthy communication, we either shut down or come out swinging. Enter: conflict rehearsal. Rehearsing how to navigate conflict and communication, before you're actually in the heat of the moment, can save you from a whole lot of future drama.
As a couples therapist in Oakland and Berkeley, CA, I work with couples who struggle with high conflict and building healthy communication. But here's the key: it's not just about what you say; it’s about regulating your nervous system in the process. When emotions are high, your body goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode, which makes rational conversation a little... well, impossible. The goal? Keep your nervous system in check while also communicating what you actually need from your partner.
Why Rehearse Conflict?
Rehearsing isn’t just for actors. In relationships, practicing how to handle difficult conversations means you’ll be better equipped to respond (and not react) when real tension arises. If one of you is more avoidant and the other struggles with validating feelings (sound familiar?), you’ll need extra tools to navigate those patterns.
The DBT skill "Cope Ahead" is all about mentally rehearsing how to handle a future stressful situation before it happens. By visualizing yourself managing the situation effectively and using your skills (like staying calm or communicating clearly), you can feel more prepared and grounded when it actually comes up. It's like giving yourself a practice run to cope with challenges!
And yeah, it's totally normal for stuff like this to show up because relationships activate our stuff. But when you know how to stay grounded and communicate clearly, you can transform conflict into connection.
Nervous System Regulation = Relationship Magic
So how do you stay grounded when things are heating up? It's all about nervous system regulation. More on building tolerance for discomfort in conflict here. In other words, you want to practice keeping your body calm even when your brain is going, "WTF?"
Here's how:
Breathe deeply: Take slow, intentional breaths. Inhale for a count of four, hold for four, and exhale for four. This keeps your body from hitting panic mode.
Ground yourself: Feel your feet on the ground, notice your surroundings, or even do some light tapping to bring yourself back into the moment.
Pause and reframe: Give yourself permission to pause mid-conversation. "I need a moment" is a powerful tool. It’s not avoidance; it's a strategy for staying emotionally present.
Regulating your nervous system lets you show up differently in conflict. You’re less likely to shut down or get defensive, and more likely to listen, validate, and actually solve the problem together.
Ready to Practice Conflict? Meet ChatGPT, Your Rehearsal Buddy
If the idea of practicing conflict with your partner sounds… awkward, don’t worry—you can get a little help from AI. P.S. You can also practice communication together here Softened Start Up and here Active Listening. You can actually use ChatGPT to rehearse healthy communication and conflict resolution.
Want to give this a try? Here’s a simple step-by-step guide on using ChatGPT to rehearse conflict communication with your partner (or on your own!).
I got this idea from Oakland Therapist Amanda Pieasecki. Define the Conflict: Identify a common conflict you and your partner face. For example, one of you might feel unheard or invalidated when expressing feelings. Or maybe there's an issue of one person shutting down in tough conversations.
Set Your Intentions: Decide that you’re going to practice using Gottman’s “positive needs” statements (e.g., "I need to feel heard when I share my emotions" instead of "You never listen to me"). And make sure you're practicing healthy communication—no blaming, no shaming.
Open ChatGPT: Tell ChatGPT the scenario and who you want it to be. Start by describing your relationship dynamic. For example, “One person in this relationship is avoidant, is quick to feel defensive, and uses deflections. We're practicing healthy conflict communication. I want to practice not getting angry when my partner does this.” ChatGPT can then help you practice what it’s like to navigate these tricky conversations.
Set the Scene: Tell ChatGPT what kind of conflict you want to practice. Maybe it's about one person not feeling heard, or maybe it’s around a recurring disagreement, maybe you have a partner who deflects or shuts down and you want practice working with that. Be as specific as possible!
Incorporate Gottman Positive Needs Statements: In your practice convo, make sure to phrase things in a constructive, non-accusatory way. More on that here. For example:
"I need to feel understood when I share my feelings."
"It would help if we could talk through this slowly so I can feel safe."
"I hear that you’re upset, and I want to be able to stay in this conversation with you. Can we pause for a second so I can ground myself?"
"It sounds like you’re really hurt. I want to understand more about what you’re feeling so we can work through this together."
Use Nervous System Regulation Techniques: While you're chatting with ChatGPT, practice pausing. Take a breath. Use grounding techniques to help regulate your body and stay in the moment. Let ChatGPT help you rehearse what it's like to stay calm under pressure.
End with Validation: When wrapping up the conversation, make sure to validate the emotions on both sides. Even in practice, ending with "I see how important this is to you" or "I appreciate you sharing that with me" reinforces healthy patterns.
Practicing with ChatGPT can give you the space to rehearse conflict in a low-pressure environment, while also practicing how to stay grounded. Next time you’re in a real conflict, you'll be equipped to navigate it with clarity, kindness, and a calm nervous system.
Happy rehearsing! 🌈
