Self-Hatred as Self-Protection
As a trauma therapist in Oakland and Berkeley, CA, I see many clients who experience an inner critic, from intense self-criticism to cruel self-hatred. I encourage an empowering reframe: self-hatred has kept you safe, and protected you from intolerable feelings and experiences-- vulnerability, mistakes, accountability, disappointment, reckoning with trauma. When we work in therapy with self-hatred as a well-meaning, albeit misguided, part of us, we can lessen shame and increase self-compassion and self-understanding.
“The critical voice that harangued [her] with so much self-loathing is an example of one common type of part called a protector, which tried to keep her from taking risks by running down her confidence. The more vulnerable inner childlike part that believed her critic and, as a consequence, felt worthless and empty is an example of a type of part I call an exile.” — Richard Schwartz
Self-hatred can serve as a form of protection in several ways.
Avoiding rejection: If you believe that you are fundamentally flawed or unlovable, you may push people away or avoid intimate relationships altogether. This way, you won't have to risk being rejected or hurt by others.
Managing expectations: Self-hatred can also serve as a defense mechanism against failure. By setting the bar low for yourself and expecting the worst, you may feel less disappointed when things don't work out as planned.
Maintaining control: When you hate yourself, you may feel like you have more control over your life. For example, you may choose to isolate yourself or engage in self-destructive behaviors to feel like you are in charge of your own destiny.
Coping with trauma: Self-hatred can also be a way of coping with past traumas or abuses. Self-hatred can be a way to suppress anger, which may have been unsafe to feel in family. By blaming yourself for what happened, you may feel like you have some sense of control over the situation, even if it is just an illusion.
Self-hatred may be a protective tool but it comes with a lot of long-term consequences-- limiting intimacy, depression, anxiety, and low self-worth...this can even encourage you to stay in abusive relationships. A self-hating part might act as a critic or a punisher, attempting to protect the individual from perceived external judgment or failure by preemptively inflicting harsh self-criticism. Parts work therapy aims help the individual develop a relationship with these self-hating parts, understand their protective intentions, and facilitate healing for the exiled parts carrying the original pain. By doing so, the person can achieve greater internal harmony and reduce the intensity of self-hatred, leading to a more balanced and compassionate self-view.
