Couples Therapy Homework: Soften Your Startup
As a couples therapist in Oakland and Berkeley, CA, I coach people to give better feedback, and more constructive critiques, to better get their needs met, to be more effective, and to minimize frustration for both people! Scroll down for the exercise.
The Gottman Institute's Softened Startup is a practice of beginning a difficult conversation with gentleness and care rather than criticism or blame. A softened startup involves expressing feelings and needs calmly and respectfully, often using "I" statements, to avoid triggering defensiveness in the partner. For example, instead of saying, "You never listen to me," a softened startup might be, "I feel unheard when I share my thoughts, and I want to feel more connected." This approach helps to set a positive tone for the conversation, making it more likely to lead to understanding and resolution.
From The Gottman Institute
From The Gottman Institute
Softened Startup Exercise for Relationships:
Softened Start-Up Exercise
Alone or with a partner: go through one item at a time. Onf reads aloud the first harsh start-up statement. Then the other things of a softened start-up that could be said again, and says it.
The three steps of a softened start-up are (1) I feel, (2) about what –a neutral description of the problem, and (3) I need.
1. You think you're so cute! Stop flirting with other people.
Example Response: I'm feeling insecure about the party tonight. Would you stay with me through most of it?
2. You're so rigid. Your views about religion are ridiculous.
3. You just want to work all the time and never be home.
4. You just don't care about the dog.
5.. You never want sex anymore.
6. I am sick of all your emotional moods.
7. You just spend every dime I make. What about me?
8. Stop lying about your drinking!
9. She criticizes me all the time and you do nothing about it. You and your friend can go to hell.
10. I'm sick of never going out. you never take me anywhere.
11. Stop criticizing my driving.
12. You never consult me. You always make all the decisions. You are so domineering.
13. You have no consideration about whether we get anywhere on time. That is so selfish,
14. How can I ever trust you? You never come home when you say you will. You're in your own little world.
