The Impact of Frightened and Frightening Parents
Growing up, we all want to feel safe and understood, right? Ideally, your parents or caregivers are the people who provide that stability. But what happens when they're the ones who either can’t provide that security because they’re frightened themselves, or worse, become the source of fear?
Frightened Parents
If you’ve experienced parents who were scared of the world around them—or of their own emotions—it can leave a lasting impact. Maybe they were anxious, overbearing, or constantly worried about worst-case scenarios. That kind of fearful energy doesn’t just go unnoticed. You might have found yourself tiptoeing around their emotions, or feeling like you had to protect them, instead of the other way around.
Here’s a short list of impacts you might experience if you grew up with frightened parents:
Hypervigilance: Constantly scanning for danger, even in safe situations.
People-pleasing: Feeling responsible for managing others’ emotions to avoid conflict.
Anxiety: A persistent sense of worry or fear that things will go wrong.
Difficulty trusting others: Struggling to feel safe or rely on others in relationships.
Overfunctioning: Taking on too much responsibility to keep things "under control."
Emotional numbing: Disconnecting from your own feelings to cope with the intensity of your parent’s fear.
Frightening Parents
On the flip side, maybe your parents were the source of fear in your life. This is what attachment research sometimes refers to as frightening parents. These parents, intentionally or unintentionally, might have created a home environment that felt chaotic or unsafe. Maybe they yelled a lot, maybe there was physical intimidation, or perhaps they were just emotionally unpredictable, leaving you constantly on edge. It’s a lot to carry, and it shapes how we see relationships later in life.
Here’s a short list of impacts you might experience if you grew up with frightening parents:
Chronic fear or anxiety: Always feeling on edge, as if something bad could happen at any moment.
Trust issues: Struggling to feel safe or trust people, especially in close relationships.
Emotional dysregulation: Difficulty managing your emotions, often feeling overwhelmed or reactive.
Avoidance of conflict: Fear of confrontation, preferring to shut down or withdraw to avoid upsetting others.
Attachment difficulties: Either becoming overly clingy or distancing yourself emotionally to protect from being hurt.
When you grow up in an environment where fear is a main player—either from your parent’s fearfulness or their frightening behaviors—you learn to navigate the world on high alert. Your nervous system becomes wired to look for danger, even when it’s not there. You may struggle to feel calm in your relationships, constantly waiting for something to go wrong. Or, maybe you overfunction, trying to fix everything and keep the peace, because that’s what you had to do as a kid.
The framework of "frightened and frightening parents" comes from the work of attachment researchers Mary Main and Erik Hesse. Main and Hesse’s research found that when parents are themselves fearful or are perceived as a source of fear by their children, it disrupts the child’s ability to form a coherent attachment strategy. The child becomes confused and unsure of whether the parent is a source of safety or danger. This often leads to a disorganized attachment style, which can manifest in chaotic, unpredictable emotional responses and difficulties with trust and relationships later in life. Their work emphasizes how trauma—both in parents and children—can deeply impact the attachment bond and lead to significant developmental and relational challenges.
If any of this resonates, you’re not alone—and it’s not your fault. These early experiences shape how we move through life, but they don’t define who we are or what we’re capable of. Understanding the impact of growing up with frightened or frightening parents is the first step toward healing. Therapy can help you work through those layers of fear and help you rewire your nervous system so that you can finally feel safe in your own life and relationships.
So, if this sounds familiar, know that there’s a way forward. Healing from trauma like this isn’t about blaming or rehashing the past—it's about acknowledging it, finding compassion for your younger self, and learning new ways to show up in your relationships. Modalities like EMDR and Internal Family Systems Parts Work can be additional tools for processing past experiences.
